One Day My Tv is Going to Lose the War

I don’t usually spend too much time watching TV unless House, Archer, or SVU is on. Ok, I also settle for Royal Pains and White Collar occasionally. But other than that I like to catch a few shows while I’m having my 9pm dinner after class during the week. I think I get more stressed out and angry watching television than when I study for my 4 midterms that get piled on top of each other mid-semester. WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME MY DEAR TELEVISION??!

So I sit back, trying to enjoy my hot meal and pick up the remote in hopes of catching something meaningful, funny, interesting, or even something that won’t completely drain my head of those few precious brain cells I’ve managed to salvage. “America’s Next Top Model”? No. “16 and Pregnant” or “Teen Mom”? Definitely not. “Glee”? I’m good on my dose of musicals and high-school children singing, thanks. “Alaska State Troopers”? Thanks to Sarah Palin I currently hate everything Alaska. “Pawn Stars”? Trashy. Or how about another reality show, “Toddlers and Tiaras”. Really?! I’m tired of crappy shows all the time on 98% of the channels. And it’s getting worse—much much worse.

Alas, I seek comfort and relaxation from my TV and all I get in return is frustration, discouragement, and annoyance, mixed with a gurgling unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach over the sad state of the youth of America that almost makes me puke in my mouth a little. Yea, I said it. Before I know, it minutes have passed and my meal has turned cold. Sigh. Time to make a pit-stop at the microwave.

As I channel surf through more and more channels full of endless garbage, my fingers get sore and I could swear they’re showing signs of calluses. You hard-core gamers should know. I sympathize with you. Before I know it, I can’t get past channel 65 or so until I settle for a public news channel. Oh the news…

Oh the drama! A few nights ago there was a severe weather advisory for the NYC area. For what exactly? You probably don’t remember since it wasn’t really all that severe, at all. Yea, you guessed it—it was for RAIN and WIND. That’s right. Rain and wind so severe they’ll blow the garbage around the sidewalk and get your front steps wet. Oh no! Watch out. That’s the media though. I’m not even going to get to the politics and those biased opinions. Next time you watch the news, really watch it. Especially the Republican loving’ channel 5. My favorite for a good laugh and a solid reality check.

Then the channel surfing starts all over again. Does it ever end? I’m not a huge fan of commercials, but years ago they used to actually be funny. Remember the Budweiser frogs? Of course you do, how can we ever forget those lil guys chillin in the pond in front of the bar saying, “Bud, Weis, Err”. Ahh, it’s almost comforting.

So, how many diseases can a single person have? Because there’s pharma drugs for unimaginable symptoms, like restless leg syndrome, or I’m-so-lazy-I-can’t-reach-my-sandwich-syndrome, or I can’t get it up, even though I probably shouldn’t because I’m 85. And side effects may include, drooling, pooping, choking, dry mouth, vomiting, sore butt in the morning, stubbing your toe, severe cases of stupidity, headache, stroke, dizziness, hallucinations, and in rare cases DEATH. But I assure you this drug is FDA approved and 100% safe.

Then the car commercials. We get it—you guys are desperate for sales, sporting your hybrid cars and fuel efficient vehicles with over 35 miles to the gallon highway driving! Super. Can you also spare me about $15,000? I’ve never seen so many car commercials in my life, one after the next. But I must say, a few days ago I saw a car commercial for a new Chevy that had the coolest feature ever—a new real time Facebook application that with a touch of a button on the rearview mirror, would voice your friends’ status updates through an automated mechanism! Awesome! Obviously, it’s hands-free so it’s totally safe. Really! It doesn’t matter if my mind’s not completely on the road—as long as my hand(s) are on the wheel, I am a very safe driver until I ram my car into a telephone pole because I heard my friend’s status update about last Saturday night and I couldn’t stop laughing and I accidentally swerved into the next lane and hit two cars. Oops. I was totally like, O-M-G. Are we that much of a needy and wired society that we need Facebook applications in our vehicles? How sad…

The health commercials. The government has to quit telling me how and what to eat, because it’s not about what you eat, it’s about how much of it you eat. It’s not a difficult concept. If you have a slice of cheesecake or a double chocolate muffin, or that totally sugar-loaded soda, you’re not going to die, or even gain weight. Have all three every day, yea, you’ll see it get packed onto your love handles. Now there are commercials advertising the Atkins diet. Super! I personally know someone who was hospitalized by dieting with Atkins. Now, it’s very possible she didn’t follow it correctly, but then again I don’t trust the diet plan either. Carbs are not bad! Neither is trans fat! Sugar’s not a criminal either! Get it out of your heads that these are all bad for you—they’re not. Just watch what you eat and you can have moderate portions of it all and enjoy that salt, sugar, and fat. Keep it coming.

I will not surrender, no, I will not wave my white flag. But my TV just might get a baseball bat to the face one day.

One Response to “One Day My Tv is Going to Lose the War”
  1. Kill your television!!

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